Should we write our own wedding vows? How do we do that?

The exchange of vows as part of a wedding ceremony is a legal requirement. In Australia, wedding vows must include a specific, legally binding declaration to be considered valid. While you can personalise your vows, both partners must state out loud—in front of the celebrant and two witnesses—the exact phrase (or words to that effect) outlined in the Marriage Act 1961.  Those words are:

“I call upon the persons here present to witness that I, A.B. (or C.D.), take thee, C.D. (or A.B.), to be my lawful wedded wife/husband/spouse/partner in marriage.”

Eye-level view of a beautifully decorated outdoor wedding venue

One may leave out 'lawful' or 'wedded', but not both.

The first phrase may become 'I ask everyone here to witness' or 'I call upon everyone here to witness'

You may say 'take you' instead of 'take thee'

Your vows should be audible to the gathering which is why I, like any celebrant might point a microphone at you (or hand it to you) if the gathering is large enough for me to be concerned that people may not be able to hear.

The exchange of vows is a moment when you make yourself vulnerable and open your heart. For some people this is a really difficult thing to do so publicly and they feel very self-conscious and awkward. Some people are just too shy! Don't worry. There are solutions.

Not that long ago I was blessed to be asked by my niece to be celebrant for her wedding. She and her partner are shy, lovely, private people. They did write their own vows but I, as their celebrant have never heard them. Before the ceremony they went to a nearby forest - a favourite place - and exchanged those vows privately, just between each other. The only other person there was their photographer and he was asked to use a long lens so he was too far away to hear them .

By doing this they created a beautiful private moment away from the crowd that I am sure is as precious to them as the ceremony itself and the photographs taken while they did so are superb. . For the ceremony half an hour later they opted for the legally required words only.

Here is a tip to help find the words to write your own vows:

Write a letter to your beloved

Begin it just as you might begin any letter - 'Dear AB".

Include what you have to offer and what you hope for in this marriage.

Describe what you love about your partner - their habits, style and quirks.

Include promises - what are you committed to do to support this marriage?

Include some memories of some fun, funny and challenging times.

Often this will help you find the words that can be then turned into a vow. At one ceremony I was luck enough to officiate at, the couple actually kept the format of a written letter. Their vows consisted of them each reading out a letter they had written to each other. Of course they had to ensure that the legally required words were included. It works best to put these words at the beginning or the end of what you have written. It was a joyous exercise in storytelling.

Should we both say the same vow?

That's up to you. there is no requirement to do so. Some couple like to keep their vows secret from the other until the day. If that is what you want to do then make sure to tell your celebrant and send what you have written to them. That way your celebrant can give you some guidance as to length and content.